What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 09:33
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I said to her
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do diabetic people sweat so much?
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were not on the streets..
I waited trembling.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When she asked me how she looked .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She loved him until the end.
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I don,t even have a pension.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I could never make a relationship work though!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He knew the spot.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I write beautiful poetry .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ive learnt so much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My family never makes their pension either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
All the time i was locked up.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)